Promotions, Interviews & Food Reviews

 The famous man "..."once said "feel free to walk your own way, just pay attention to where your walking"

Along my travels I came across a character of wit & glory

"Name 's H..., Lucas H... That there's my wife. Say 'Hi' honey."

"What?"

"I said Say 'Hi' to the man."

"We don't need a fan its not hot at all." His wife replied.

"What ever the hell that means." Lucas mutters.

Lucas a retired construction superintendent shaking his head looks back at me & apologizes for his wife.

"Been married 40 years now, met at a Springsteen concert, banged her outside the back of his tour bus."

He chuckled. "Long live Spock."

Half embarrassed I panicked,

"You're a lucky man Lucas, she looks bow-leggeder than a hamstress in a purple wig & nipple clamps."

"What ever the hell that means." He replied

"Hell you two must be related. Lets get to business, ask away."

I originally scheduled my interview with Lucas last summer. Due to the Coronas pandemic Lucas put his property on lockdown, took extensive measures to do so as well.

"Two gates, cameras & a sling shot" as he put it.

"I didn't want us falling victim to the Coronas. All the hype & propaganda had everybody freaking out. I order everything online. Cant trust any body just to waltz around too close, masks are the new panties now & the fact it came from China is no surprise. I don't trust 'em at all. For nothing." Lucas insists.

Curiosity struck me.

"Lucas you said you ordered cameras."

"Yup the whole 9 yards. Top of the line. Wireless, bluetooths even got a cloud for storage." He replied.

"Interesting, you know most major manufacturers of these things are made in China?"

"What!?" He exclaimed.

"What ever the hell that means." His wife mumbles.

"So Lucas you sent me an email wanting to discuss some new theory you had. Is that correct?" I asked.

"Yes. That's right. Had it come to me like a light. If one side of a spoon reflects us upside down & the other right-side up, maybe we're not on a round ball but inside it."

"Interesting, how'd you come up with this theory Lucas."

"Well, by complete misunderstanding. My wife & I was in bed eating a pint of ice-cream. When I thought I heard her say 'get inside my head' just as I was looking at my reflection in the spoon."

"Interesting" I replied.

"So what she say Lucas?"

"What? She say?" Lucas asked.

He looked puzzled.

"You said you 'thought' you heard her say."

"Oh!" He begins to chuckle.

"She asked if I wanted some head."

Feeling half embarrassed & vexed;

"Y'all do this often Lucas?"

"Well hell yeah that's one of the reasons I married her. Its gotten better since she got dentures."

"That's not what I meant Lucas."

"Well hell boy don't look so pissed off, I told you she had dentures..."

He leaned in & continued

"She's been waiting to pull the panties to the side for you."

"What ever the hell that means." I replied as I exited .

 A month or two ago I came across a beautiful lady by the the name of Janet S...; with  strong democratic views. Retired & Widowed now five years she spends most her time volunteering at the homeless shelter as well other local organizations.

"How'd you get into volunteer work Janet?"

"Well, must a been about sometime after my husband past. A coworker of my daughter was throwing a fun party. The two were discussing this & that about such & such. One thing led to another & before I knew it they'd volunteered me to give a demonstration. I guess you could say been chasing the buzz ever since."

"Do you prefer civil or social volunteer work?"

"Is that a trick question?"

"No" I replied. 

"You look like the type of wombmn that gets a buzz from both Janet."

She smiles big enough to see her gums.

"No dentures" I thought.

"I like the way you think." she replied.

Half embarrassed, I laughed & replied

"If you only knew; I feel we're in a good place right now for this Janet."

"Well, fire away Mr. Editor."

"What's your favorite volunteer site?"

"What? Is that a trick question?"

"No ma'am."

"Ok. Well, it would have to be at the local hospital back home."

"Why is that?"

"Well, found that buzz once or twice you could say."

"How so Janet?"

"Well, when I started they let me sweep & stock."

"Sweep & stock?"

"That's what they called it. They would let me sweep & mop the halls. I would stock the office down each hall."

"C'mon Janet where's the buzz? What'd you see Janet?"

"Well, one day I mistook a patient room for the mop closet."

"I'm not buzzing Janet." I replied.

"Well, I saw someone in there. They looked all beat up. Must of had some bad accident, half crucified even. I don't know how long they been in there waiting to be bandaged up but I assure you the fuss they made about me being in there was uncalled for. Scared me half to death. You would of thought I killed somebody."

"Scary experience, huh Janet?"

"Oh yeah, They kept asking me how I did it? & why? I told them the door was open, & I made a mistake I got confused."

"Those heathens Janet!!! scaring you half to death. It happens Janet. Happens to me all the time when using cleaning chemicals. Go on."

"Well, they called the cops. They came & made a report & everything."

"Really? That bad? I bet the patient wasn't happy."

"Well, you could say that. Mostly they were just hanging out."

"So what happen why where the cops called?"

"I'm not sure. They got all nervous when I pulled out me husbands pocket knife. I keep it on me always for handy keeping."

"Wow. That scared them?"

"Well must have. They told the cops I was waving it around & claiming I didn't know what I was doing. They said they knew a doctor they wanted me to see. Told them I didn't want to see a doctor I only had 10 minutes till the end of my shift & that was two hours ago. "

"Wow Janet two hours? Well I'm glad you made it home & haven't gotten discouraged with volunteer work."

"Heck no. I wasn't going to let that discourage me. I got to see them move the patient before I left."

"Nice. Wheeled them out, gurney & all huh?"

"Oh yeah, They didn't have much to tell the officer when he pulled his pocket knife out though. Only his wasn't as sharp as mine. They still had to use mine."

She laughed cleverish.

"Worked well huh Janet?"

"Oh yeah. The guy made one of the loudest thuds I'd ever heard. Hit about 100 miles a hour it looked."

"I'm confused Janet."

She laughs,

"& you're not using chemicals. Well my knife was so sharp it cut right through the sheet. Hot knife thru butter. All the weight damn near broke the gurney."

"Big guy huh?"

"I suppose. Couldn't tell from how swollen he looked."

"That's right he was beaten."

"Appeared so. Didn't ever hear anything else about it after that. They let me go home. They said I didn't have the strength to lift him."

"How many hours would you say you put towards volunteer work in a week."

"Well, maybe about fifteen. Sometimes twenty if the YWCA needs me. They always get busy."

"Met any interesting people doing volunteer work?"

"Well, met a nun when I was volunteering at the rehab. I would cook the meals on the week ends & she would always give a speech before they ate. Some people hated it. Kept saying that those words shouldn't be coming out of her mouth. I didn't mind it much. I was usually cleaning up or on my way out by then."

"So what was so interesting about the nun Janet?"

"Well, she would help me in the kitchen from time to time. She would always want to help stir what ever it was I was cooking. Only it was more like churning when she would do it. She would go on & on about how the most high could give us something we haven't ever had before & together we could reach it together. She always so polite. & knowledgeable about all kinds of things. This one time one of the fellas there made a rude comment to me in front of her. She slapped him with the spatula & said "She track notes me!!!" I didn't know what to do I tell 'ya. All I could say was I'm going to have to make note of that."

"So she stuck up for you huh?"

"Oh yeah, big time. When ever anybody was around She would put her arm around me & say to them 'We are together in sister hood' & would ask them if they had found the 'Most High.' If whenever I ran out of vegetables like cucumbers for salads and zucchini for spaghetti she always tell the manager we needed them they were a necessity. She would say my service 'demanded it' & that she would '...take full responsibility on the day of reckoning.' She was real sweet. She even would always ask me to pray with her. She made a special one; I'll tell it to you: 'Most High; I have the Most high. Please allow Janet & I to eat & enjoy the eucharist which I have for us now. Allow us to both be satisfied with what we have for each other so that we may be happy."

"Do you think you'll ever stop doing volunteer work Janet?"

"I imagine probably not. Keeps me busy & out of the house."

"What's your busiest location Janet?"

"Well I'd have to say the YWCA. I help the life-guard drop off towels to the people. He folds them & then tells me where & who to give them to. Then, they give me their towels back & I take it back to him."

"Lots of running back & forth it sounds like."

"Oh yeah, especially if one of them passes out too close to the pool. I have to run around & tell everybody to pick up their towels, the cops are on their way & someone went overboard. He would have me take the towels to the laundry room & he would try to wake up whoever passed out. He would give chest compressions & mouth to mouth."

"Wow, I'm buzzing Janet."

"Tell me about it. I would be so nervous outside waiting for the ambulance. But every time they didn't ever show. Every time I would go inside & the life-guard had revived whoever passed out. Like magic. I imagine that's why they kept him around."

"Wow. He was that good?"

"Must of been."

"How difficult would you say it was for you to decide on volunteering for this interview?"

"It wasn't. We're always chasing that buzz sweetie."

"I like the way you think Janet.

Have a great day Janet & a better tomorrow."

Tacos de Tamaulipas:

1/ 8 thin cut Chuleta beef (#2,#4,#5/ milanesa works well)

Chopped tomatoes

Chopped Seranos or chili pequines

Chopped spinach leaves

Chopped avacado

Chopped bell peppers 

Season chopped vegetables with salt & pepper

Limes cut in halves

Sear meat remove from heat, drain

Squeeze lime juice & pulp onto meat

Top meat with chopped- seasoned vegetables

Fold or roll meat together (into taco)

Enjoy

Rice & beans may be served on the side; tortillas may also be served but used to wipe hands, mouth & the plate.

Devil's Pussy Lips:

In pint glass or high-ball
Lime & sugar rim glass
Muddle mint
Easy Ice is optional
1 shot Patron (818 or EsPelon will work)
2 shots X-Rated
3 onces of Sprite or fill glass
Handful of cherries
A few thin sliced limes
Add straw to stir
Enjoy

Sand In Your Ass:

In pint glass or high-ball
Lime & sugar rim
Muddle mint
Easy Ice is optional
2 shots clear Bacardi
Splash of Grenadine
Handful of cherries
Fill with Sprite
Spoon of sugar on top
Push straw through sugar
Enjoy

Bull Rider

In pint glass or high- ball
Add ice
2 shots Patron (818 or EsPelon will work)
Fill with Red Bull
Garnish with lime
Straw is optional
Served with the remaining Red Bull in can on side
Enjoy

Any manager or business owner that feels any comment or review may be about their place of service is coincidental.

If you're ever in town & hard up for a drink, steer clear of any bars flashing lights of any color other than the norm. Although the drinks are good & the pixie haired waitress is salacious as fuuuk, the Ass. Manager (not the owner, one of the owners is outside) George doesn't like burnouts during NasCar events & you'll get booted for bringing Christmas presents to the Christmas party & for popping fireworks at their mobster costume parties; you can't even speak in an Italian accent at these things… for get about it. With live music the place isn't too bad, although just don't let your sister's girlfriend give George head, he might yank out a fistfull of hair off the top of her head. The mixing board isn't too bad & with a handful of t.vs its easy to catch a view of whatever is on. While the prices are average the place is pretty clean, probably to cover up the embezzling of the actual owner that bought the place 5 or 6 years back. Nevertheless, have a drink if you must, just don't mind the mumbling of the mundane.